My Response to Your Comments on Spanking

Thanks for your comments!!  I started to reply with a comment of my own, but it got so long I decided to make it a post instead.

Goodson Family - it is hard to be gentle sometimes. I have recently read about half of Naomi Aldort's book "Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves" and try to keep in mind the simple fact that a lot of my hang-ups and frustrations stem from my own background; they are not Kieran's fault. I'm really trying to practice taking a few deep breaths, stepping back, and letting whatever harsh words I was *going* to say run through my head before responding more gently.

Mindful Life - I love the story about Sofi and Walter. You are doing such a great job mama :)

Mandy - you may not know this, but you've been my inspiration/role model for much of my gentle discipline path. I love watching the way you interact with your kids - it's so obvious how much you love and respect them.

Jill - I do feel spanking is a pretty lazy way out. It takes a heck of a lot more patience and strength to parent gently than it does to be the authoritarian/control figure.

Lilly Rose - isn't it awesome that your girls will someday be the "Brandon" (the one who is "better behaved" ;))?! It could be so easy to see "discipline problems" in the short term and use spanking as a quick fix behavior control, but it's the long term/end result we should all be concerned about.

Abby - thank you :) You are amazing with your daughter!!

Mom - I do think that Grandpa's generation was different in that he might have been more in control of himself, but obviously I don't think spanking is an effective form of discipline regardless. I also think it's really helpful to remember that we can't undo what's been done - we have to remember that our actions leave lasting impressions. Every generation should learn from the previous one, I'm glad that I had you as a teacher.

Rebecca - re: the friends who do different things. I'm working really hard to be in a place where I acknowledge parenting practices that are different from my own as ok for those families (in other words, I'm trying not to be judgmental of different parenting methods). Of course I'd love for everyone to research their parenting philosophies and really use the best things for their families. Spanking, however, is one thing that is not "live and let live" for me. It's abuse, no matter how you look at it. I can't imagine that any decent person could give me valid arguments in favor of spanking. People can argue why they vaccinate according to the CDC schedule, why they use time outs or behavior charts or rewards, why they don't have time or energy to use cloth diapers, etc. But spanking? Whole different ballgame.

And Amelia is such a sweet girl. What an awesome story :)

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One more aside, then I'll put the topic to rest for today.

Tammy and I were chatting about this the other day and she said that she hated the "parental right" justification. She said, "well then, does that mean there is a spousal right? Can I beat my spouse because we are married?"  I replied, "funny you should mention that, because there used to be a law that allowed a man to beat his wife, simply because they were married."  So why is it still ok to beat your children?  It's the same thing.

Poor Jack-jow

We are entering the hitting phase. It started a month or so ago, and I cannot wait for it to be over. I've searched several places for help, only to come to the conclusion that hitting seems to be a fairly common part of toddlerhood. I noticed during my reading on the subject, though, that while hitting is a typical phase, the main difference is in how parents react to it.

We are a non-violent family. We do not believe in striking/spanking a child for any reason, just as we wouldn't hit another adult. The studies that have been done on physical punishment are overwhelming in their conclusions that spanking does not work. A blogger I respect compiled a great list of resources on why spanking doesn't work, I'm going to share some of those links along with our reasons for using gentle discipline here, too.

1) It has a detrimental effect on the parent-child relationship. Imagine it from the child's perspective - "mama and/or papa, the most important person in my universe, the one who kisses my booboos, tucks me in, feeds me, bathes me, etc. also chooses to hurt me." It erodes the trust that should be ever present in the parent-child relationship, and gives children lasting memories of pain and heart break. Spanking isn't something that just stays in childhood - both the effects and the memories are forever imprinted on a child's heart and mind.

2) As detailed on this site, spanking can have long lasting effects on a child's (turned adult's) sexual development, brain development, and behavior.

3) Hitting only promotes more hitting (by children and by adults in the form of further and more troublesome abuse) and anger (again, in both children and adults). (The previous link also has a great discussion on why spanking is not biblical. From my upbringing as a Southern Baptist, it makes me ill that any Christian would use Jesus as a justification for striking children. It's also funny to me that there exists an unspoken agreement between spanking churchgoers - I've never heard a pastor preach that violence toward children is part of the path to heaven, but people who believe it sure can point to a few select verses that they *think* support their actions.)

4) Spanking simply doesn't work - it actually tends to increase kids' aggression and misbehavior. So what's the point? And since toddlers/preschoolers haven't even developed impulse control (regardless of whether they've internalized whether a behavior is "right" or "wrong"), spanking just isn't fair. They cannot help themselves! (And let's be honest - teens and even adults sometimes have poor impulse control. Are we going to hit every person who does something we don't approve of? No? Then why hit a defenseless child?)

I have been shocked on more than one occasion out in public when I see a parent strike a child. Too often, it's not only casual (the assault is so ordinary to them that they can do it in front of strangers), but the look on their faces is often one of anger and barely controlled violence. Traditional spanking advocates advise parents not to spank from a place of anger, but when does that ever happen? Anger is the root of spanking a vast majority of the time. And can you imagine how a child perceives the anger twisted onto their parent's face? It must be terrifying.

Anyway - I digress.* Kieran is hitting. And the unfortunate object of his disfavor is usually my sister's cat that we are keeping while she is in Spain for a year. Poor Jack-jow (Jack-jow is Kieran-speak for Jasper) - most of the time he and Kieran are best friends. Kieran is the first one to notice an empty food bowl and make sure I help him fill it, he's constantly going over to give Jasper hugs and kisses and cuddles, he plays with him nonstop . . . and then something clicks and he wants to turn the kitty toy into a kitty whip. "Like a train, Kieran!" is a common phrase in our house - Jasper's kitty stick with feathers attached by a string should always be pulled like a train, instead it is often slicing through the air as an instrument of torture.

Per the above reasons, we refuse to hit our child for hitting. For various other reasons, we aren't planning on using traditional "time-outs" (that's a post for a different day). We've settled on a few different tactics to employ while we ride this phase out.

First and foremost, we are much more vigilant - we try to intercede on Jasper's behalf before anything happens. It can be exhausting, but isn't most of toddlerhood? The same thing goes during play dates - I make sure to watch for signs of frustration and then step in before another child gets walloped.

Along with vigilance is talking about it. We constantly remind Kieran to "use the toy like a train," we explain in plain language why we use gentle touches (hitting is ouch, we like gentle touches, etc.), we talk about Jasper's feelings (or the person's feelings, if he hits someone else), and we help Kieran think of alternatives to hitting ("Kieran, I see you wanted to play with the truck. Let's ask our friend if you can have a turn in two minutes.")

The partner of talking is modeling - we model how to ask for toys/turns, how to use things in a gentle way, how to use gentle hands, etc. 

Those things do the trick, for the most part. If Kieran is especially tired or cranky, they may not. As a last resort, we will have him give us whatever he has hit with (so if he continuously isn't using the kitty toy like a train, we'll ask him to put it up for awhile). Or if he's hitting during a play date and I can't calm him down, we'll move to a different area and play with something new.

And because we're not perfect, we've raised our voices at him; but we're constantly trying to practice a more gentle form of redirection.

Kieran + Jack-jow = BFF (usually)

I hope some of these ideas will help someone else one day when their gentle baby turns into a toddler with a heavy hand. Sometimes the most helpful thing, though, is to remember that "this too shall pass." Things that seem so frustrating in the moment will only be a memory very quickly.

Have a gentle day,

~d

*One more comment about spanking: I understand that discipline techniques are always evolving. I do not condemn the parents of past generations who were taught that spanking was an effective and acceptable form of discipline. I hope that every parent makes educated decisions about how to raise their children in *this* generation. There is no reason to keep making the same mistakes when we now have so much information available to us on the detrimental effects of the practice.